MSS #072: Ditch the Approval Trap: Embrace DIFY and Fuel Your Success

MSS #072: Ditch the Approval Trap: Embrace DIFY and Fuel Your Success.

25 May, 2024

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Welcome back to another adventure in self-discovery!

Today, we'll delve into the power of intrinsic motivation and self-belief.

We'll explore why we sometimes crave external validation and how to cultivate the strength to Do It For You (DIFY).

Having your own internal recognition system is powerful. Looking for external praise is a very common desire, which whilst wonderful, is not always readily available.

The Allure of External Validation

Have you ever found yourself wondering, "Did they like that?" after doing something?

This desire for external approval is a deeply ingrained human tendency. From an evolutionary standpoint, it stems from our primal need for acceptance by our tribe.

Our ancestors relied on the group for survival, so fitting in and gaining the approval of others was crucial to survival.

Approval may be sought from those around us, or those no longer with us which creates new frustrations when that approval is not forthcoming.

Roots of People-Pleasing

Sometimes the “label” of people pleaser can be used. Labels are very judgmental and seldom helpful.

If you feel this may apply better to you, this might be an indicator that seeking external praise and validation is important to you. The cause of this could simply be a perception of creating harmony in a home or work environment.

This will often be a learnt behaviour, it could be helpful to question is this still relevant and helpful for you?

The Story of Self-Appreciation

Think back to a time when you achieved something incredible. Did you instantly crave external praise?

Here's a powerful strategy I implemented with our daughter when younger: Before showering her with praise for an achievement, I'd always ask,

"Are you pleased with yourself?"

Why? Because self-appreciation is the cornerstone of inner strength.

When we praise ourselves and acknowledge our accomplishments, we build unshakable self-confidence. This equips us for life's journey, even when external validation isn't readily available.

As most proud parents I wanted to go for the default of “wow, that’s brilliant, well done” and so forth. Any praise I gave came after inviting her to praise herself.

As a young adult, she reflects on this knowing it has built even high levels of inner strength, along with unconditional love from mum and dad (the subject of my book - Nuclear Powered Resilience).

DIFY: Your Mantra for Unconditional Happiness

It can be exhausting chasing external approval and is particularly cruel for those that either,

• Can’t access it from those they would like praise from (perhaps parents that have passed away) OR

• Seeking approval from someone, who repeatably denies you such approval and maybe even rains down criticism instead.

It's time to embrace the DIFY mantra: Do It For You.

It's about prioritising your passions and pursuing what truly ignites your spark.

Doing things that will energise you, nurture your soul and give you a sense of fulfilment – rather than choosing options that fit with those you seek approval from.

Believe in yourself and the unique talents you bring to the world. Easier said than done, I get that, something I can share how to help with another day.

Who Are You Trying to Impress, Anyway?

The next time you achieve something, take a moment to ask yourself:

"Who am I trying to impress?"

Is it your boss, your parents, or someone else entirely?

Ditch the need for approval from others.

Focus on impressing yourself!

Celebrate your wins, big and small.

As you do this more often, your self confidence and self-worth will grow and become noticeable to others. In this way they will look up to you, for who you truly are, at your core.

The Power of DIFY: Attracting What Resonates with You

By prioritising your own satisfaction (DIFY), you'll naturally attract opportunities and people who resonate with your genuine self.

When you operate from a place of self-belief and authenticity, you connect with others on a deeper level and build relationships based on mutual respect and appreciation.

Authenticity is powerful, because its easier to sustain and others notice authenticity.

Celebrate Your Victories!

What accomplishment are you most proud of today?

Share your wins and celebrate your journey towards self-discovery in the comments below!

Remember, true happiness comes from within.

By embracing DIFY, you unlock the power to achieve anything you set your mind to, fueled by the most powerful source of validation: your own.

You could write a list of things you will praise yourself for, it could be,

• Sticking with a difficult task.

• Learning from challenges.

• Simply starting a project.

• Goals you have met.

• Progress made.

• Achievements.

• Discoveries.

Summary

It’s a simple but powerful concept.

If up until now you have been seeking for “validation”, “praise” or “recognition” from others, for very understandable biological, psychological and reasons.

Do this,

1. Start noticing where and from who you seek praise.

2. If those people are not offering praise or cannot (if they have passed away) recognise this.

3. Create a new habit that has two parts.

a. Choose to do more things that you value – rather than tasks you think others will praise you for

b. Start praising yourself for achievements, progress, starting things etc before you seek external approval.

In time your new habit will get embedded and you will be in control of praise for you efforts and your self-confidence and self-worth will grow with it.

See you next week. If you haven't already, follow me on LinkedIn and hit the bell for daily posts on tips, insights and techniques.

When you're ready, 3 more ways I can help you:

1. My book - Nuclear Powered Resilience

2. Self confidence and resilience - £48 training course based on my book

3. Coaching packages - start with a FREE 15 minutes exploration session.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, really hope this helped. Contact me if you think I can help you further at [email protected].

Happy thinking.