MSS #027: One thing you always have total control of – your response to situations.

MSS #027: Choosing our response to situations gives us back control

MSS #027: One thing you always have total control of – your response to situations.

15 July, 2023

Read time: 4.7 minutes

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This week learn something truly empowering, about our ability to always be free to choose our response to any situation or event.

Once you get this, it will change you forever, as it gets easier to notice opportunities to exercise choice and how liberating it is.

I will share this wonderful insight by Viktor Frankl and Jack Canfield, who summarised it so well.

Read on and find out how to be free.

Choosing our response

Last week’s newsletter covered the importance of choice, giving us a sense of control which in turn positively impacts our wellbeing.

The biggest choice we have is how we respond to events and situations and has for thousands of years been recognised as a choice we always have, in any circumstances.

In fact, this idea of choosing our responses to life’s events goes back thousands of years to a school of Hellenistic philosophy from the 3rd century BC, referred to as Stoicism. Over the centuries many people have taken these ideas and updated, reinvented and adapted them.

As you will see from the following quote from a Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus, born 50AD,

“It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

I think the most powerful story I ever came across about choice was that of Viktor Frankl.

Viktor was held in a World War II concentration camp and was subjected and witnessed many horrific situations and events. Somehow, he remained far more positive than many of those suffering around him.

His big realisation was that he had a choice. Although the prison guards had control over many aspects of his life, the one thing he had control over (which showed incredible awareness) was his choice as to how he responded to the suffering he was subjected to.

He kept hold and gained back control, by choosing his mental response to what others did to him. He reminded himself the one thing the guards could not take from him was his choice as to how he responded to their actions.

An amazing insight and story. I often remind myself if Viktor could choose to respond positively in those circumstances, then surely, I can have a go at choosing my response in far, far, far less demanding circumstances.

Viktor Frankl summed his approach up in this amazing quote, with echoes of Epictetus,

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Recognising we can choose our response in any situation, is both a very simple but powerful concept. It takes practice. Through repetition the belief starts to stick and become normal, giving an almost superhuman power or level of comfort that can be sought in any situation, as demonstrated by Viktor Frankl.

Some other quotes from Victor Frankl, summarise best the concept and the power of choice.

 Victor Frankl quotes,

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

The last quote from Frankl is particularly important, where he refers to that space between stimulus and response.

By creating a habit to pause after an event happens and then actively choosing a response is a powerful and liberating habit to create. Being aware of this “space”, helps in spotting this in the future.

Jack Canfield summarised Viktor Frankl’s approach with an amazingly useful equation to represent how important choice is in our lives.

His equation is,

 O = E + R

E is an event that takes place in your life, such as being in a car accident and the driver of the other vehicle gets aggressive with you.

O represents the outcome of that event, for example joy or frustration, learning or misery, anger or forgiveness.

R is the response you have to that event. The idea is we may not have control over the event, but we can choose our response to that event. Our response will change and influence the outcome. In fact, we have far more control than we think on the outcome of an event or situation.

An example might help. You are driving your car, and someone cuts you up, your normal response may be feeling anger and to start shouting at the person who cut you up. The outcome is you feel bad, your concentration on driving was diminished for a while and your heart is still racing.

What if you chose a response of having pity for the driver of the other car, or sympathy that they could not see well enough to see you. In the same way as Viktor Frankl, you can choose your response to the event, the outcome for you is then very different.

This story illustrates the power of the choosing our response.

Key concept

The Stoics, Viktor Frankl and Jack Canfield approach of finding that space between stimulus or event and then choosing our response cannot be overestimated in its power. Particularly for events that happen near instantaneously, as well as situations that take more time to play out.

One critical step and learning before this response choice is made, is our mindset and acknowledgement that we always have a choice.

Hopefully the Viktor Frankl story and Jack Canfield approach to this, give you a mechanism and an insight into this.

So what?

The quote above from Viktor Frankl gives us a new habit we could adopt.

Rather than let our unconscious programming kick in with our normal automatic response, to a given event. What if we consciously choose a different response, when thinking clearly and rationally. We need to look for the space between a stimulus and how we respond to a situation and use that moment to consciously choose our response to a situation.

Start by practicing spotting the moment you are about to respond to a situation. As you practice being more aware of this, you will notice that space or gap between the event or situation happening and how you respond.

As you get practiced in finding that space, develop the habit of pausing and just considering if you are happy with the response, you are just about to embark on, if not change it.

Maybe choose a specific situation that happens frequently, that you want to start practice noticing.

Perhaps a certain person triggers a response you would rather not like to have, just set yourself the task of being aware of that and spotting the space between that person being present and your historic response. In this specific situation the response you do not like, might simply be you getting uptight, or angry or annoyed, it may not be a response that others would be aware of.

An example might help. Perhaps you have a manager that is very aggressive, verging on being a bully. Your natural reaction to them being harsh, abrupt and rude could be to get angry and defensive back or become very timid and quiet. Now maybe consider this approach. You choose to feel pity for them, concluding there must be or have been something in their life that is led them in this direction. You choose to feel pity and sorry for them. Your response naturally changes to a sympathetic one where you talkback calmly and quietly to them. The outcome for you is that you feel more relaxed and calmer, this approach may also have the same impact on the manager.

This is a simple but very powerful concept. You will start noticing things that have passed you by before.

Summary

Quick recap.

• How we choose to respond to situations and events is a learnt habit.

• How we respond to situations and events is one thing we ALWAYS have a choice over and puts us back in control, however dire the situation

• Choosing our response first requires awareness of situations and events either generically or looking out for specific situations.

• Once we notice an opportunity to change our response, practice having a pause before we respond.

• In that space between stimulus and response, consider what response you choose to have. It can even be the same one you have already, but make sure it’s a conscious choice of response.

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That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, really hope this helped. Contact me if you think I can help you further at [email protected].

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Happy thinking.