MSS #022 Do you suffer from Comparititus?

MSS #022: Do you suffer from Comparititus?

MSS #022: Who or what do you compare yourself to – makes a huge difference to your motivation.

10 June, 2023

Read time: 6 minutes

In a hurry? Cut straight to the tools read from heading Helpful strategies - reduced read time 4.1 minutes.

It’s normal to compare ourselves to others, but this can be hugely damaging impacted poorly on our self-confidence and motivation.

“Comparititous” is not a word, but it best sums up comparison with others as if a harmful medical condition.

Read on to learn,

• why we compare ourselves,

• how it harms us,

• learn a much better approach we can adopt and

• how to make this new approach your default future habit setting.

At the end you will have the tools to create a new habit that will set you free to operate at your best.

Most people are not aware how they compare themselves to others, what the alternative is or how to change it – this will give you a huge advantage. Please share it with the important people in your life.

Right, let’s crack on then.

What is comparititus?

Comparititous describes the affliction of when compare ourselves with others often unfavourably.

Sometimes we use this to justify our inaction, because we perceive somehow the “other” person in the comparison as “successful” or has,

• some skills

• background

• resources

or any number of aspects that we perceive we do not have.

e.g., I cannot do that because they had rich parents and I do not, or they are much cleverer than me, that is not possible for me.

Common forms of comparison are to either,

• devalue ourselves or,

• try and big ourselves up mentally, with comparison to others perceived as less able than us.

By criticising others in our head, we are creating self-talk scripts that self-sabotage.

For example, if you say in your head,

“They only succeeded because they already had money.”

your unconscious mind, which takes things literally, thinks,

“ok, so you can only succeed if you have lots of money, because we do not have loads of money, we will not be successful”.

The unconscious mind then takes this as instruction not to be successful, so as and when small opportunities or decisions come up, it will steer you away from those that may lead to success.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

The two main reasons why we compare ourselves to others are,

• Because we are social animals

and

• It becomes a habit.

Let’s explore this a bit more.

Social animals

Being part of a community is baked into our survival system and our ancient brains thinking.

👉Roots in early humans.

👉Community and groups key to survival.

👉Understanding where we sit in the community hierarchy.

Habit

Much of what we do is habit. Comparing to others can be a learnt habit, sometimes we learn it from influential others such as parents, teachers, grandparents, siblings etc.

👉For many it’s a habit.

👉Often learnt behaviour from others.

👉If self-esteem low often happens more.

Distortion of comparison

The other danger with comparison, is that we do not assess with absolute facts, what we observe has bias and distortion. We observe what we want to interpret.

📌What we "see" is not fact.

📌We see parts of a picture.

📌We add on assumptions and biases.

📌Seldom see other persons struggles.

📌Social-media tends to show a veneer not full picture.

Typical self-talk comparison language

Comparison with others, often shows up or can be identified with our self-talk. Here are some typical examples.

💬"I wish I was as smart as them. “

💬"I wish I looked as good as that. “

💬 "So much more talented than me. “

💬 "So lucky having [money, him / her / them, that]."

Watch out and be aware of this.

Helpful strategies

Some better approaches to use are to practice gratitude. If you are unsure how to do this practically take a look at my post on this, link as follows.

https://bit.ly/3OYskTI

Strengths

Another approach is to evaluate your strengths. What comes so easily to you, you ignore it because you think it is of no value. I can assure you what you find easy, someone else will find difficult and they will need your skills or knowledge, focus on this.

Inspiration

Be inspired by others. If you choose to think “if they can do that, then so can I” this is using comparison as a motivator.

Praise others

Praise others in your head. I shared earlier envious self-talk about others programs our unconscious mind. If instead you say in your head. “I am really pleased they are successful, they deserve it”. This is programming your unconscious in a better way.

Summary of better strategies,

• Practice gratitude.

• Focus on your strengths.

• Be inspired by others not envious.

• Praise others (in your head or out load).

Remember

👉We don't see the full picture of others struggles / story

👉We are all on a different journey, comparison is unrealistic

A far healthier approach is to compare yourself to you, here’s how.

Comparison to yourself

Comparison to yourself is far more realistic, authentic, fair and relevant. But how?

Options

• You at your best for a specific skill.

• You last week, 6 months ago, a year ago – you choose the time frame.

Progress and consistency are the best measures. To measure something, you need a reference point, that is you for a specific skill or at a designated time.

Often, we just look at the last few hours or days or weeks. When we look back further, we notice how much progress we have made. Celebrate this. Record it in a journal. This is hugely motivational and uplifting.

How to change comparison habit from “them” to you

This is what happens in our brains,

Trigger

Something triggers a thought and associated feeling such as,

• You make an annoying mistake.

• See a post about a successful person.

• A friend lands their dream job.

This is the trigger for the current comparison to others habit.

Your Response to the Trigger

• The same old response kicks in.

• It’s a habit, a neural pathway.

• With a predictable response.

This is an automatic learnt response. If you do this enough times, it becomes a well-trodden neural path way. Science shows how habits often happen without us really be aware or noticing. It’s like a silent autopilot.

Your Response

Your habitual response to the trigger is what happens in your mind. Your response to the trigger will be a combination of a,

• Thought

• An associated image(s)

• An associated emotion and feelings

This may also be accompanied by unhelpful self-talk, examples of which I shared earlier.

A typical response might be something like this.

• Thought – “Here we go again, all the others doing a great job and I just keep messing it up.”

• An associated image(s) – Pictures in your mind of people you perceive as successful. Perhaps images of you “messing up” as proof you were right.

• An associated emotion and feelings – a series of negative emotions and feelings associated with the images.

New response

Rather than the existing response of comparing ourselves to others, we need a new response.

After a while each time we trigger our new response, this will become the default response, as the neural pathway gets stronger and the old response neurally starts to weaken and wither.

The train analogy graphic from my book “Nuclear powered resilience” describes this well.

Link to Nuclear Powered Resilience Book https://amzn.to/3EcIHWo

Link to Nuclear Powered Resilience training course https://bit.ly/3xupoUC

The horizontal train track represents the existing response as a neural pathway. At the point of the trigger, we use the new response and in time this becomes the only response.

Creating the new habit response

The new habit response consists of,

• A Nudge word / phrase

• Plus, an associated image

• With an Associated emotion

You can also use an inspirational quote, that creates an image and emotion for you. I will share lots of useful quotes later, for you to choose from.

Choose a nudge word / phrase, plus an image and emotion that represents for you that represents diverting comparison to yourself either,

You X months ago

OR

You at your best for a given skill.

Some examples will help.

Example 1

Nudge phrase = “Over here please”

Image = a pair of binoculars focused on someone else, replaced with a picture of you [X weeks ago (progress) OR at your best].

Emotion = feeling of comfort, feeling strong.

Example 2

Nudge word = “BEST”

Image = you operating at your best doing something at work OR at home e.g. cooking OR doing your hobby OR being a great parent – you choose

Emotion = feeling of pride, confidence you can be this good and better right now.

Example 3

Nudge phrase = “My progress”

Image = Some form of chart with a graph that is going up and down, but generally the trend is up.

Emotion = feeling of knowing you are moving in the right direction, making steady progress. A feeling of gratitude and pride.

A much better choice is to make comparisons against yourself in two ways,

1. Your level of progress in a given task or situation

2. You at your best, how do you compare to the best version of yourself

Using these methods of comparison to replace comparing yourself against others, is a far more mentally healthy way of using comparison, to help move you along and get better at what you want to do.

Quotes

Using inspirational quotes is another way of creating a new response habit. Choose just one quote that stands out to you, that creates a strong emotion and images in your mind.

Whenever you notice the trigger of comparison to others (your old now unwanted response), say the quote in your head. Bring to mind the images it creates and really feel and indulge in the positive emotion this creates.

This will instil the new habitual response for you.

Here are some quotes that might help with that.

“The only person you should try to be better than is who you were yesterday.” – Unknown

“Don’t compare yourself to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.”- Regina Brett

“We’re only envious of those already doing what we were made to do. Envy is a giant, flashing arrow pointing us toward our destiny.” – Glennon Doyle Melton

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” – Shannon L. Alder

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Don’t compare your beginnings to someone else’s middle.” – Tim Hiller, ‘Strive: Life is Short, Pursue What Matters’

”Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday." – Anonymous

"Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time." – Anonymous

"Don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle." - Jon Acuff

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." - Steve Furtick

"You are not in competition with anybody except yourself; plan to outdo your past not other people." - Jaachynma N.E. Agu

"You are you and that is your power." - Dave Grohl

"Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people." – Anonymous

Summary

Quick recap.

• Why we compare ourselves to others is mainly,

  - Because we are social animals

  - Out of habit

• Our comparison to others is a distortion of reality anyway – we covered the reasons for the distortion.

• I shared examples of comparison self-talk, which is a form of trigger.

• Strategies – we discussed alternatives to comparison with others.

  - gratitude

  - being inspired by others

  - praising other’s achievements

  - focusing on your strengths

   

  and then compare to yourself to you at some point in the past (progress comparison) or the best version of you doing something well.

• We discussed how to create a new habit to compare to you with

  - A nudge word or phrase

  - An associated image and emotion

   

  Want a bit more? Bonus section.

   

  Replace any mental scripts or self-talk in your head about comparing yourself to others with,

   

   “I choose to compare against myself, at my best.”

   “I choose to compare my progress to date.”

   

  Start by being more aware of when you compare yourself to others in an unfavourable way, perhaps specific circumstances or a few key people you reference yourself to.

   

  Once you become more aware it is easier to change the self-talk language you use. It is easier to divert this towards comparing yourself to you or to a

   

  “I choose….” mantra, rather than trying to stop the self-talk entirely.

   

  This is a very simple but powerful choice.

   

  One extremely simple mental nudge is to say in your head,

   

   “Me please”

   

  every time you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, as a reminder to compare yourself to you.

   

Want more? 

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Nuclear Powered Resilience – learn one golden habit that gives incredible inner strength, comfort and support, that keeps growing by instilling Unconditional Love in your mind.

7 guiding principles to better thinking – what trips up our thinking and how to create different habitual responses.

What they should have taught you at school – awareness of how we think and how to get better results.

Vitamin C for the mind – how to feel and have more control in life, with simple techniques built into a habit.

Happy habits – simple habits to make you feel happier everyday.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, really hope this helped. Contact me if you think I can help you further at [email protected].

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Happy thinking.

10 June, 2023